This guest post was written by Cheryl of The Beautiful Side of Hectic.
I listen to a lot of music, depending on my mood. Recently, I’ve been reading an awesome book put together by some other bloggers. It’s called: Stories I’ve Only Told My Mom. Compiled by 16 very talented bloggers, there are 16 essays about profound experiences they’ve shared with their moms (Or wish they had) After reading one particularly amazing piece by Laura Mays, I decided I have a few things to share with MY mother.
Meanwhile? Just Breathe.
I don’t even know what to call you anymore. It’s now been 6 years since I last saw you or talked to you. Sad that I remember the day right? May 10, 2004. Talk about a buzz kill for my birthday which happens 3 days after that. I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong. Hell, I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong for 10 years. The way I see it now, our relationship took a turn south when my beloved grandmother passed away.
The night she died (I figure I need to give some back story so you’re not left confused) I called you, asking how she was. You see, she had been hospitalized for the last month, resulting in a leg amputation. I thoroughly believe she didn’t want to fight anymore. She didn’t want to live without a limb. But when I called you to see how she was? You told me there was NO change. The next day, you arrived at my university dorm with her sister and brother in law. You told me she passed away. Now me, being the good girl I am, I didn’t swear in front of you until that day. (Even though you used to meet my Dad at the door and tell him differently). I think THAT’S when you started to unravel. I couldn’t blame you at the time, but now? Looking back? I deserved more. I STILL deserve more.
You and my father raised me to be the confident (ha. That’s kinda funny. I struggle with that one) WOMAN I am today. I grew up, found my soul mate (seriously I cringe at that word too) decided to get married and have a family. Who knew that could be so wrong. My husband is too shy. Too quiet. Could be an ax-murderer (THEIR words, not mine). And I’m left in the lurch. Without a “family”. Or at least without the family I was born into (Save for a few members). You cut me out of YOUR lives, not the opposite. YOU decided to stop talking to me. YOU decided not to come to my wedding. I’ve tried. And I’m DONE trying.
Before I even had children, I said I could NEVER treat anyone else the way you have treated me. I had a good childhood, great even. And now? I’m catching you in lies and I wonder if my whole childhood was made up. When I was in the 9th Grade, you told me my grandmother had cancer. Come to find out, she never had cancer. That’s pretty awesome. I managed to tell physician’s that during my prenatal care. Now I look like an asshole. Now that I’ve had children, I would NEVER leave my children like you’ve left me. If my children didn’t pick a spouse that I approved of, I think I would bring them closer to me so they’d know I was always there for them.
I get asked if I’ll allow my children to meet you both. I said yes. I don’t speak ill about you in front of them. They can find that out for themselves. But, I promise you one thing. IF they reach out to you and you hurt them? That’s the LAST you’ll ever hear from them. Sadly, you’ve already missed out on 4.5 and 2.5 years of grandchildren. I don’t think I could live with myself if I did that.
So “mom”. I hope you’re happy. Not only do I STILL have self esteem issues (who wouldn’t after being dropped by their parents?), I am questioning anything that ever happened in my life. Thanks for that. I hope that you can live with your life and consequences.