I did it again. I tried to make myself believe that for some reason, my mom actually cared and could change how she’s treated me my entire life. She’s never had to take care of me. My grandparents did it. Then when she moved away from them and got married, she was ready for her new life. I got thrown to the foster system.
Time and time again, people have told me to cut ties. Cut her out of my life. I’ve never been so hurt by one person yet I still go back…hoping…dreaming she would care for me and love me like I have seen friends’ mothers. I sit back and cry knowing in her eyes, I’m just the kid she got pregnant with she wish she never had. To her I’m trash. I’m sorry but I’m better than her. I say that because despite the HELL she gave me as a child, I might not have the oh my god best life but I AM ME. Despite what I was forced to deal with growing up, I carried on. I work hard. I love my girls. I spoil them. I teach them all there is to this world. I would never want them to feel the hurt I do. But now, she is hurting them as well. Kelsie has said to me when I’ve asked her if she wants to see Grandma and more than once I’ve been greeted with, “Grandma doesn’t like me Mommy.” It’s one thing to hurt me…but to hurt my children is a whole other story.
I’m hurt. I’m burned. Why did I deserve this? My father was never there and now he can’t be as he’s dead. My mom, she wishes I was. She wouldn’t have to deal with me then.
2 Comments
Oh honey that’s alot to deal with. I’ve been through my fair share of life’s upheavals and what I’ve found is that I have to love me first and regardless of what others do, I know that I am WORTH loving….YOU are worth loving. Your a good person and sure you deserve better, but sometimes life deals us a less than easy path and it’s how we come out on the other side that defines us.
I’m always here…if you need a friend and if it’s any consolation..I think you are more than lovely!
My situation is different from yours but I have always felt like my mother didn’t like me very much. I am not even sure that I believe that she loves me though she claims to. I have finally woken up to how she has treated me all these years, particularly when I think about how she treats my brothers. I have not cut ties with her but would if it wasn’t for my kids.