I was supposed to have an August/Sept baby…

This post has taken alot to actually muster up the courage to put out there but I realized I have to give myself a way to heal rather than holding in and ignoring what really happened.

Maybe I haven’t talked about it because of how taboo my circumstances were. I’ve been judged. I’ve lost “friends”. I’ve been told to move on and forget about it. My anxiety levels have been very high lately and I couldn’t get a hold on why until now. I know why more than likely my emotions have been on high alert and I need to get it out and face it.

Last year, I was convinced it was time for a divorce. I didn’t know how it would happen or what I would do but I have been miserable. My health and everything in between piling up made it hard. We weren’t legally separated but we else decided we wanted nothing with each other.

I began seeing an individual that I was very skeptical about seeing. That person gave me a sense of security and made me feel “human” again. Now that I look back, I should have kept my wall up and never answered that message. Any security I felt was nothing but a false fulfillment. In the end-I was void.  After a month or two, I heard the word pregnant. At the same time I was hearing these words, I was also hearing that it was unsuccessful. I spent my New Year’s Eve in the ER attached to an IV-with no one with me. When I tried to turn to the person I thought would be there, whether there was a true relationship or not, nothing was answered. Some people asked questions, assuming it was a migraine. I went ahead and said yes…even though my heart was eating itself alive.

Since that time, I’ve kept quiet. I’ve had it all thrown in my face. People using the pain I endured to their advantage. You couldn’t even keep a baby healthy. How’s that baby? You were pregnant.

As the time has come and gone that I would have been holding a new baby in my arms, it has killed me. I can’t hold it in no matter how hard I try. I’ve watched friends glow with their pregnancies and the coming of a new baby. And yet, I must imagine by myself that “what if”.I yearn for the chance to welcome another child for my little girls but I must face the fact that it might never happen again.

It is my time to face my hurt and tell anyone else that thinks different GO TO HELL. You might judge me, that’s fine. I’ve dealt with this feeling for almost a year now. I’ve held it inside and killed my own soul. October 15th is quickly approaching marking Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is my day to finally acknowledge that I am a mom to a lost child. I will never get the closure I really seek.

It hurts like hell.