Sometimes, we know that no matter how hard we try, things still happen. Our family took a severe hit this week and while I myself actually feel peace, my emotions quickly flush to devastating seeing the pain and hurt my children are facing. Several have noticed social media as I have attempted to make changes slowly but it’s hit a point where I need to write what is on my heart so I can keep pushing through.
After a series of events that my ex had one after one, I knew I’d be one taking alot of added heat and stress. In my life I have always seemed to be the scapegoat and carrying weight for those that I felt the need to protect.
Since he left, many have asked me how I am so strong and they don’t get how I’m holding it together so well. After several conversations, I now can admit that I checked out emotionally to protect myself from what I was facing. I had already been hurt by certain actions and refused to let it get to me. I stood with him during some very trying times and did everything I could but eventually, I knew nothing I did would be enough.
You can’t run yourself into the ground for a person that wants to self-destruct. There comes a point where you have to say enough is enough.
My children are hurt. My children are blaming themselves. They are devastated because of his actions. They are always my number one priority but even more so now as I try to shield from any more hurt. He left my children in a way that emotionally hurt much worse. This is the person they considered Dad and just like that, he walks away with them invisible. I also worry about his biological children. His actions were beginning to take heed when they were with as well. There are broken promises, broken traditions.
I am fighting with my head to not worry and not panic. We have had several friends come together to help and I have appreciated more than words. I want my kids to know how much they matter and how so many people love them.
There are lots of messes left behind that so far I have seen, my Good faith attempts to make sure everything is okay have gone nowhere. I know once I can get over these hurdles he has thrown in my way, we will be okay. It hurts to admit when you are struggling, especially after fighting and making great strides in a variety of ways. Friends have told me to ask for help and it hurts because I was at a place where I was able to pay it forward and work to help others more than I have ever been able to. Having that feeling ripped away just isn’t fair.
Several friends asked me to make GoFundMe or Facebook fundraisers to help our family. With school around the corner and some ongoing medical health issues for myself, I don’t want my kids to lose out right now.
I will not let this situation win. My children are fighters and I will make sure they know they are loved. We will always find a way.