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Keeping a Secret inside

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I’ve fought with this post over and over again. Not knowing whether or not I have the courage to put it out here as I’ve hid from the majority of those around me for two years now. I’m shaking as I type.

As a Mom, I never get a break. My kids are my 24/7 job. When I do get the chance to get out, I’m normally just running errands or off to doctor’s appointments.

In the rare event I am able to go out and go see a movie, go to see friends….it’s once in a blue moon. Maybe once a year honestly. In May 2011, I got that chance and it would change my life forever. As I hung out with an old friend, the only one that was able to do anything the night I was able to go out, I figured it would be off to the movies, and home. Instead I found myself in the ER until 4AM being questioned and argued with about abortion pills, and giving up the name of the person responsible.

The person who sexually assaulted me. A person I never thought capable of doing such a thing. No, I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t on something. I was completely sober.

When the next month I found out I was pregnant, it was hard to find the excitement. My mother didn’t know. Many friends didn’t know. Only myself and a handful of people knew the secret I was hiding, refusing to acknowledge, that continued to eat me inside.

In January 2012, my sweet baby boys Nathan and Lucas were born 7.5 weeks early. I loved them the first minute I saw them but my tears were not only of happiness but of fear.

They have his hair.

twins1My little boys came home. And in the back of my mind, I continued to worry. I continued to think. These boys are really his. After a year, I finally found myself seeking counseling, talking to a victims advocate. A victims advocate that gave me wrong information and sent me to victim’s compensation to seek paternity testing.

The request was denied. Instead? I received a $5.00 check for “Underwear reimbursement” that was taken while I was at the hospital.

I threw the check away.

I do not know the truth in a valid point but I feel that I know in my heart. I have had it thrown in my face by those that know. I’ve had to listen as people say “They look sooooooo much like their ‘Dad’” while I’ve sat back and just smiled.

My babies are mine. I love them with all my heart. Even if I’m their only parent.

No one should have to hide. No one should have to feel shame. To the senators claiming pregnancy doesn’t happen from legitimate rape, maybe you should come meet me. Having to keep a secret inside, with no one to talk to, will eat you inside and crush your soul.

Baby Fire Hydrant Iowa Twins

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About Jenna Goodwin

Jenna Goodwin, Central Iowa Mom Blogger, is the mom of four, including identical twin boys. Jenna writes about life as a mom of multiples, living with fibromyalgia, and the latest must-have products for your entire family. Named Ames' Number One Twitterer by Iowa State Daily, Jenna stays active within the online social community and enjoys sharing her experiences as a parent as well as great finds to help the entire family.

Comments

  1. I am so sorry you had to deal with that Jenna. Sorry you had to go through a horrid act that no one person should deal with. Your boys are handsome and you are all they need!

  2. Mellisa says:

    Wow, Jenna I am so sorry. You are such an incredible woman and mother, I can’t even imagine the pain that you have had to endure. Your boys are precious and they are so lucky to have a strong mama like you.

  3. I think you are a very courageous woman, to not only go through with the pregnancy, but also to finally talk about it. Keeping it hidden only keeps you a victim. It is time for that paternity test, and for that low life to be charged with and serve time for rape.

  4. I’ve been there by your side since day one and i will be there until the end. Your boys are amazing little beings and they are lucky to have you as their mommy. I admire you for who you are and your strength. I’m here for you always. Love you!

  5. Gina Bannerman says:

    Thank you for giving those beautiful boys a chance at life. You are an amazing mom!

  6. I don’t have any words. I mean, I have words, but none that seem right. How about a big HUG!

  7. kelly g says:

    You are much stronger woman than I will ever be.

  8. What strength you have to move forward, carry and love those children the way that you do, all while keeping this secret.
    I just want to hug you. I have no experienced what you have been through but if you ever need to talk just shout.

  9. Oh, Jenna :( I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine the mixture of feelings you must have inside, but it is clear that you love your boys regardless of the how and why. Don’t lose yourself in your secret. Just keep loving your boys and use your story to empower yourself and other women, the ones in your position who feel so alone. You are an amazing strong woman!

  10. I am glad that you are at the point that you were able to accomplish this post. That is huge Jenna! Way to be strong!!

  11. (((((Huge Healing Hugs)))) sweet heart. I had no idea that you were going through all of this along with everything else you have to deal with. You are a brave, loving strong woman. One I am proud to call a friend. I wish we lived closer so I could hug you in person and give you some time off for “just me” time. If you ever need another friend to listen too, let me know & I can call.

  12. Im sorry to hear this jenna. I hope you can get the help you need to get through it. But they are precious.

    trisha

  13. I simply don’t know what to say. I think you are brave for sharing your story – I hope it helped you to share and that it will help others who have had a similar experience.

    I’ve only gotten to know the boys through your blog, but I think they are amazing, adorable and a little bit wild ;) … and, I think that they take after you in all of those areas.

  14. Thank you for sharing your story. The more we share our stories, we make a difference in more people’s lives. God gave us our blogs for a reason and I believe sharing our stories are part of that. We have so much power to impact things it is unreal. Someone out there will google something like this and find your post. It will mean the world to them and they may not even be able to comment. But this is great that you have shared it.

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