I’ve fought with this post over and over again. Not knowing whether or not I have the courage to put it out here as I’ve hid from the majority of those around me for two years now. I’m shaking as I type.
As a Mom, I never get a break. My kids are my 24/7 job. When I do get the chance to get out, I’m normally just running errands or off to doctor’s appointments.
In the rare event I am able to go out and go see a movie, go to see friends….it’s once in a blue moon. Maybe once a year honestly. In May 2011, I got that chance and it would change my life forever. As I hung out with an old friend, the only one that was able to do anything the night I was able to go out, I figured it would be off to the movies, and home. Instead I found myself in the ER until 4AM being questioned and argued with about abortion pills, and giving up the name of the person responsible.
The person who sexually assaulted me. A person I never thought capable of doing such a thing. No, I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t on something. I was completely sober.
When the next month I found out I was pregnant, it was hard to find the excitement. My mother didn’t know. Many friends didn’t know. Only myself and a handful of people knew the secret I was hiding, refusing to acknowledge, that continued to eat me inside.
In January 2012, my sweet baby boys Nathan and Lucas were born 7.5 weeks early. I loved them the first minute I saw them but my tears were not only of happiness but of fear.
They have his hair.
My little boys came home. And in the back of my mind, I continued to worry. I continued to think. These boys are really his. After a year, I finally found myself seeking counseling, talking to a victims advocate. A victims advocate that gave me wrong information and sent me to victim’s compensation to seek paternity testing.
The request was denied. Instead? I received a $5.00 check for “Underwear reimbursement” that was taken while I was at the hospital.
I threw the check away.
I do not know the truth in a valid point but I feel that I know in my heart. I have had it thrown in my face by those that know. I’ve had to listen as people say “They look sooooooo much like their ‘Dad'” while I’ve sat back and just smiled.
My babies are mine. I love them with all my heart. Even if I’m their only parent.
No one should have to hide. No one should have to feel shame. To the senators claiming pregnancy doesn’t happen from legitimate rape, maybe you should come meet me. Having to keep a secret inside, with no one to talk to, will eat you inside and crush your soul.