Self Injury and my Story. #TWLOHA

This post is one from the heart and may contain triggers for those that have suffered from depression, anxiety, abuse, or self-harm. My goal of this post is to tell you, you are not alone. There are ways to find help. Do not be ashamed of your struggle. You are amazing, no matter who you are.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, the posts in which I argue with myself whether or not to write, are the posts I know I need to write. The posts that come from the heart, the things we are afraid to write and “expose” about ourselves. My goal in life has always been wanting to help others. To make a difference. Sometimes, we have to face those fears that lie in our self so we can make that difference.

I’d be lying if I said I have had a great life. I grew up not knowing my dad, I was a survivor of some things no child should ever have to deal with or face, and I seem to have always struggled to find where I belong. I’m still trying to find my place in the world but if there’s one thing I DO KNOW, is I am not a quitter. No matter how many times I say I’m giving up, how down I feel, everything I’ve been through in my life…I’m STILL here. 

In high school, I found myself cutting my flesh for the first time. I didn’t want to die. It wasn’t about wanting to end it or anything like that. It was a release I had never felt before. When I promised myself I would NEVER do it again, I quickly knew I was lying to myself.

Any time I found my emotions in overload, or life spinning around me where I felt like I couldn’t reach out for help, I’d end up with that line of blood along my skin. Each time, I hated myself and asked myself WHY I was doing this??? Was I really this “stupid”?

Then my first serious relationship. The relationship that meant something to me. And sure enough, when we struggled, being young and stupid, I found myself running to the bathroom, hiding to my “escape”. But, he figured it out and he caught me. I was so mad at him but yet, I didn’t care and kept doing this. I refused to see the big picture of how scary this could be for someone else and to an “outsider”, it wasn’t a release or something like an addiction when someone picks up that next drink, it’s seen as someone wanting to die.

That still wasn’t my “goal”, my “Purpose” of harming myself.

I got sneaky. Finding spots on my body you wouldn’t see under my clothing.

I haven’t cut myself in two years. But I can admit that there’s been times where I’ve fought the urge, told those around me to please hide this or that. I guess you could consider it a relapse when you fall back into this hurt.

I argued with myself to write this post but as some may know, there is an organization out there to help you know, you are not alone. To Write Love on Her Arms is something I hold close to my heart. I remember the first time I saw the postings on Facebook, I cried. I cried knowing there were others out there feeling the same pain.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

You were created to love and be loved.
You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known.
You need to know your story is important, and you’re part of a bigger story.
You need to know your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. We believe everyone can relate to pain, all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

No matter what you are facing, you ARE worth it. You DO matter. People will insult you, call you crazy, think you are insane. They don’t understand what you are feeling. You are not “damaged”.

GET HELP. Find someone you trust, someone you know, a stranger. TWLOHA has a list of ways that you can find help.