When I was pregnant with the twins, I had planned on having my tubes tied. Because of an insurance waiting period and the boys coming early, there was no tubal when I delivered Nathan and Lucas.
Pregnancy was never easy on me with hyperemesis gravidarum while pregnant with Kelsie and again with the twins, as well as an increase in migraines and the diagnosis of my fibromyalgia. I was actually told at one point by an OB/GYN that it would be better for me to have my children NOW versus waiting due to issues that can arise.
The tubal seemed like it would be a simple choice. Two girls, two boys. I sucked at being pregnant. I was okay with it.
Since I did not have the ligation when the twins were born, I continued to put it off not wanting to deal with surgery with them being so little. Last year, I faced some growing reproductive issues that resulted in a miscarriage and me bringing the thought of the tubal back into my head. Unfortunately, my body decided it didn’t want to recover which resulted in extreme bleeding. I was weak, I was miserable from the pain of what felt like labor that never went away, and it was decided to have a tubal ligation as well as endometrial ablation.
I had that surgery January 31st and while the “recovery” has completed, unfortunately it’s not been 100%. I’ve still had some issues, and it’s been discovered that I have retained fluid inside my uterus. I was also told that I had uterine fibroids that was likely part of the problem. Next month, I go back to the surgeon to discuss if something more needs to be done.
While I was okay with the decision knowing it would end any chance of carrying a child again, there is something about the permanency of such choice that stings. There is no reversal from an ablation.
I will always love every moment of my children and the excitement of friends having their own children. I don’t know why but I do feel grief knowing that won’t be me anymore.