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Here goes me spilling it.

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As I return from yet another doctor appt. discussing these darn headaches, it’s got me thinking.

When I was younger, I was given the diagnosis of A.D.D. For some reason, it was never followed. As I got older, I chose that I did not want to have anti-depressants in my system, etc. With the stress of being a foster child, you’d be amazed with how many “Let’s try this” prescriptions a child undergoes at times. And it’s not fun when you don’t have the right people to stand up for you.

Since being in college, I have seen myself struggle with my concentration and my focus. Then right before I became pregnant with Aubrey, my migraines began. It is almost a pain cycle, as my regular doctor said today. A migraine starts, you get no relief, you’re in pain, and become depressed. The tension from being depressed then adds to the start of a headache and it begins all over again.

I can not sit through my quizzes online and that kills me inside. I have always been an honor roll student with good grades. Despite that “diagnosis”, I was soooo proud of myself in high school. I would even say to people, “I still got an A with no “drugs” to make me think” I can’t do that anymore and I find myself in a rut.

I am depressed. I don’t feel like me. I’m irritable. I feel mean. I don’t like me. I have a headache EVERYDAY. I’ve been on meds. that make me tired, I’ve been on meds. that make me throw up over and over again. I’ve been on meds. where I lost my appetite. Overall, it has made me not myself. I am not happy. In the past year, I have faked many a smiles.

missing

I’ve also finally come to the conclusion that my marriage will not last. There is no “intervention”. There is no “counseling” that will help a situation like this. It hurts. I am not happy and while I take the steps to do what is best for myself and my children, it still makes you feel like a failure.

As of today, I have made the decision to go back on Lexapro. I know many frown upon medications but at this time, I am willing to try again. I NEED to do this. I am past the point of recovering this semester. I still am unable to be re-tested for A.D.D. as I’ve been told I will have to. I need to do something.

I am hoping as I take these new steps, that I will return to Cosmetology school in the Esthetics program. I have always loved making people feel better about themselves and loved the chance to play with makeup, etc.

The blog might be taking a change, but I still hope you will all stay with me.

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About Jenna Goodwin

Jenna Goodwin, Central Iowa Mom Blogger, is the mom of four, including identical twin boys. Jenna writes about life as a mom of multiples, living with fibromyalgia, and the latest must-have products for your entire family. Named Ames' Number One Twitterer by Iowa State Daily, Jenna stays active within the online social community and enjoys sharing her experiences as a parent as well as great finds to help the entire family.

Comments

  1. Good luck with everything and your road ahead. It was a pleasure meeting you at BlogHer and I’ll be sure to check in again. 🙂

  2. ((((JENNA)))) I hope that you start feeling yourself! You need to focus on you and get back to yourself.

  3. I agree with the above comments. Because I have been there with both the medication and just got divorced myself after realizing it was not going to last. I hope you can get back to you and do the things that you want to do, the Esthetics program sounds like fun and if that makes you happy go for it!

  4. Aw girly. I hope you start feeling better. I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed about needing medicine. It was invented for a reason- to help those who need help!

  5. I sincerely hope the road looks brighter for you and I ain’t (yes I said ain’t) going nowheres. Whoa I really let the hick come out in me in this comment didn’t I! I was on medication for a time in my life. I remember being scared b/c I felt like I was failing but then I realized it wasn’t me, unfortunately I couldn’t handle all going on and needed that little bit of help the meds gave me. I have been off of them for a while now and anytime I can see myself starting to fall back into the rhythm that made me get on them I can adjust my life. Lots of life adjusting going on here all the time LOL

    Okay sorry for that book of a comment.

  6. I wish you all the best. I hope you find something to help you get back to you!

  7. you KNOW that I’m always here for you. No matter what. If it’s meds you need, then meds you’ll take. You know you can call me/skype whatever ANYTIME. I’m here for you. I also have been on meds in the past and I understand what a frustrating cycle it is. Lots of love. xoox

  8. (((Jenna))) Depression, tension, migraines, none of that is fun and can definitely make you feel like someone you’re not. There’s no shame in taking medication if it helps you find who you once were. Take a break, no one will fault you for that!

  9. Love and light to you. But please please please remember that antidepressants can make certain awful thoughts seem like really great ideas in the beginning, and remember in your rational self that you have friends who do care about you, even when it’s hard to remember their names and that they really do want to talk to you. Lexapro never worked for me, but it has been a literal life saver for many of my friends and loved ones. Be well.

  10. Sandy says:

    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Hopefully the meds will get you back on track. Take care!

  11. Lauralee Hensley says:

    I wish I could remember which mommy blogger had said that accupuncture treatments helped with her migranes and focus, but I can’t. I don’t know if you’ve looked into that or not.
    I too have migranes, but only several times a month. I have daily headaches, but they are not all migranes. I don’t like taking my migrane med (which by the way I am only allowed to take no more than 3 times a month because of the serious side effects that can be caused by taking it more frequently), as I am afraid of it causing me to have a heart attack or liver problems. I do take it if I absolutely have to, and that usually means I have been suffering to the max over 6 or 8 hours and I can’t take it anymore.
    Headaches do make you feel mean. It’s hard to have compassion for others when the pain causes you to self focus.
    Has your Doctor done a sleep study on you. People who do not breath deeply enough at night when asleep are more likely to have migranes. Some people have fewer migranes when put on a CPAP machine at night to help push oxygen into their lungs when they forget to breath deeply enough or enough breaths per minute to keep the oxygen saturation in the brain and blood at an acceptable level. That acceptable level varies slightly relating to the altitude at which you live. People at higher altitudes normally have a slightly lower oxygen level than people living at sea level. If they were born in this environment and still live at the same altitude their bodies tend to adjust to this level. Lack of oxygen when you sleep also effects a persons ability to concentrate the following day. Have you had your oxygen levels checked during the day when you’re sitting around and not in a physically busy activity? Some people are very shallow breathers during the day when they are not very active, and this can lead to headaches and lack of concentration. An exercise I have to do when I am sitting about and reading, typing, doing stuff on the computer is to purposely take in three to seven deep breaths every few minutes because I am a shallow day breather. I am not on oxygen at night, though Dr.’s would like me to be, but that’s because we can’t afford the co-pay on the oxygen. Depending on your insurance coverage it may be affordable to you if you need it.
    Age has nothing to do with whether or not a person may or may not need oxygen supplementation.
    I hope you feel better. Would you like your readers to pray about your marriage and that it will last and that your husband can understand and help you through this ordeal you’re faced with. I’d be more than happy to do so.
    God Bless Your and Yours. Praying you’ll feel better.

  12. The migraine cycle sucks. The docs also say once you have a migraine, it can be hard to break the cycle of getting them over and over without medical intervention. I was so thankful when we found meds that worked for me. I had a migraine every day, and your’ right. You don’t feel like yourself, and you’re not a happy person. I hope you find something that works for you. It’s all a vicious cycle.

  13. DrZWard says:

    Thanks for your honesty and bravery. But, as my conscience dictates, I cannot pass this post without sharing what I know.

    Please read http://www.upcspine.com before you make any decisions. You have other options. So many people have gone before you thinking doors were closed, when really they weren’t.

    As I sometimes like to say: “What if the answer was so simple, it was already inside you?”

  14. Sheena Lara says:

    Hi Jenna, I hope you start feeling better! Only you know best what will work! From of my own experience, the chiropractor has done wonders for me, but there’s still a ways to go…

  15. Jenna , I know we don’t know each other well. But I have been a little worried about you from your status on FB and all. I actually had tears reading your post here cause it brings me back a few years when I was going through something similar. Don’t be ashamed that you need to take meds, You have to be healthy and in good spirits to be able to provide a good home for your girls. Please if you need to talk I’m here you can pretty much find me online somewhere if it be in momdot or facebook!

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