As I return from yet another doctor appt. discussing these darn headaches, it’s got me thinking.
When I was younger, I was given the diagnosis of A.D.D. For some reason, it was never followed. As I got older, I chose that I did not want to have anti-depressants in my system, etc. With the stress of being a foster child, you’d be amazed with how many “Let’s try this” prescriptions a child undergoes at times. And it’s not fun when you don’t have the right people to stand up for you.
Since being in college, I have seen myself struggle with my concentration and my focus. Then right before I became pregnant with Aubrey, my migraines began. It is almost a pain cycle, as my regular doctor said today. A migraine starts, you get no relief, you’re in pain, and become depressed. The tension from being depressed then adds to the start of a headache and it begins all over again.
I can not sit through my quizzes online and that kills me inside. I have always been an honor roll student with good grades. Despite that “diagnosis”, I was soooo proud of myself in high school. I would even say to people, “I still got an A with no “drugs” to make me think” I can’t do that anymore and I find myself in a rut.
I am depressed. I don’t feel like me. I’m irritable. I feel mean. I don’t like me. I have a headache EVERYDAY. I’ve been on meds. that make me tired, I’ve been on meds. that make me throw up over and over again. I’ve been on meds. where I lost my appetite. Overall, it has made me not myself. I am not happy. In the past year, I have faked many a smiles.
I’ve also finally come to the conclusion that my marriage will not last. There is no “intervention”. There is no “counseling” that will help a situation like this. It hurts. I am not happy and while I take the steps to do what is best for myself and my children, it still makes you feel like a failure.
As of today, I have made the decision to go back on Lexapro. I know many frown upon medications but at this time, I am willing to try again. I NEED to do this. I am past the point of recovering this semester. I still am unable to be re-tested for A.D.D. as I’ve been told I will have to. I need to do something.
I am hoping as I take these new steps, that I will return to Cosmetology school in the Esthetics program. I have always loved making people feel better about themselves and loved the chance to play with makeup, etc.
The blog might be taking a change, but I still hope you will all stay with me.