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What will it take to get passed this

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“What will it take to get passed this?”

I honestly don’t know.

Just part of the conversation I had today while in therapy. Yes, I’m blogging about therapy. No, that doesn’t make me some nut case. I’m just sick of the taboo that individuals in my situation have faced and feeling ashamed.

I blame myself every day. I should have seen the red flags. I should have known something wasn’t right. Instead, I ignored the red flags. Much like I have attempted to ignore the facts and held this secret inside.

The tears came close to falling today as I talked out the thoughts in my head. I’ve not discussed in detail the events that happened that night. Nor do I know if I want to. Or if it will help me.

I really don’t know.

Post-traumatic stress disorder. Does it ever go away? How do you get rid of the pain, the eating away, the fear?

I was the one assaulted. I was the one bruised. I was the one throwing up along side the road from the realization of what happened.

And yet, I still take blame.

I’ve yet to make myself a survivor of sexual assault.  I don’t know when, if, or even how I will turn myself to that. I’ve ignored it for this long…

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About Jenna Goodwin

Jenna Goodwin, Central Iowa Mom Blogger, is the mom of four, including identical twin boys. Jenna writes about life as a mom of multiples, living with fibromyalgia, and the latest must-have products for your entire family. Named Ames' Number One Twitterer by Iowa State Daily, Jenna stays active within the online social community and enjoys sharing her experiences as a parent as well as great finds to help the entire family.

Comments

  1. I just read your other post. I too am a survivor of rape (multiple) and I too became pregnant. I chose not to go through with mine and had an abortion. That was also very traumatic. It took me 6 years to report it/get counseling for it. I too discovered I had ptsd. It will take awhile, there’s no denying that, but you can eventually not be in survival mode every second of the day. You can retrain your brain. You will still have occasional triggers – i did 3 weeks ago and had a bad week – but they do go away. Email me if you want. :)

  2. I am so thankful that you are getting therapy for that awful thing that happened to you. It is NOT your fault and I am sure you will be able to put this behind you someday. It is true that it is not easy to do, but know you are not alone, and you don’t have to keep the secrets inside anymore.

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